ADI...

There is this guy I know,

Whose voice needs no amplifier

And a laugh ,that’s super contagious

And taking bath is a rare occasion

But yet manages to attract!!

He can pour cold-water on your joyous days,

But he is the sunshine when the rain falls too hard!

He says Photography is his passion

But try clicking him and he makes a face!

He is the KING of his thoughts

Yet asks for opinion And makes sure he doesn’t follow them!

He is kind and has a good heart

But try his best to be “Bad”.

He tries his best at lying.

And often ends up spilling the beans himself!

He loves foood

And we love fighting for every last bite of it!

His deep brown eyes show sincerity

And the way he holds me ,shows commitment

The way he loves is strange

In its own unique way,he is mine

Therez so much warmth in d way he holds me close

His arms are where heaven lies!

This is the guy that I fell in love with,

And I love him with all my heart.

This typical “MARD” will never learn to love like a boyfriend.

But he knows how to steal my heart.

Dreams we have many

We cry, fight and laugh.

And in our hearts we treasure

The hope to be together forever!!!

I thought a lot about it and all night I twisted and turned on the hard, cold floor. Yes, but to be true I couldn’t think much. All I could see was the little girl’s face. Her sad face ,her words choking with tears, her courage to come up to me and look me in the eyes to speak with her tiny voice. I couldn’t bear to remind myself of her words again. Arrows of pain shot through me as I thought of her sad eyes. She had a good life and I spoiled many things for her. I knew I wasn’t worth her forgiveness, yet she had come to give it to me. She was one of the very people who realised that I was also good at some point of time and it was circumstances that led me to where I an now.But the GUILT was overpowering. Yes, I cant take it any more. I gazed at my hands one last time and I could only imagine the fate I had brought upon so many people. I am sorry ,god ,for I cant live anymore. Life has become too hard for me….i took out the rope tha I stole from the store that day and made a noose. My hands were shaking. I didn’t want to die but I couldnot stay alive after that day. The noose was soon around my neck and in a few minutes I was going to DIE>


It was an early morning when my name was first announced to come out and meet her. I was surprised that someone had come to see me. She was beautiful, dark brown hair, very curly under her pretty colourful hat. She was so pretty that it was like I was seeing a streak of ‘heaven’ in her.
I have to admit ,I was shocked and surprised when she came over to meet me . I didn’t know her ,nor had ever seen her before , but she came like she knew me from a long time before. I was scared to go near her. It was like her innocence had the ‘power’ to burn me. But still I wanted to go near ..n yes I did, I did go near her…
She was looking at me with piercing eyes….there was a kind of fierce Sadness in her eyes..something that made you want to kill anything that could ever hurt her.
As I moved closer the last few months of my life replayed in my mind…
One day I was the average college student and the next day I was in the company of people who instilled in me some deep, dark feelings about my life ,my religion and my country. Those feeling grew in me as I started being more and more involved in their talks and ideas. I felt the need to do something for my religion and all my fellow men. And I never knew that this thought would take me so far that I would be away from everything else. Yes, it changed my whole outlook towards life and made me who I am now. And it is this that made me lose everything that I had for the last 22 years of my life.
She came and sat in front me . There was a glass separating us. She just sat there and stared at me for a long time. It was like a million questions were running in her mind and she had time to ask just a few. I thought she would spit out of hatred ,scream out of fear and pain but she was very calm. She gave me a half-hearted smile and said “ I never want any kid to cry like I did. Moreover I don’t want your mother to feel the pain of loss. I don’t like you. You took away a lot from my life. But yes , I forgive you for I think you did a mistake , for I believe that you too, were good at some point of time. I don’t blame you. Maybe this was god’s path for you.
I will Pray for you. I will plead for your release for I believe that you have the POWER to be good to all, to help all those you have hurt.. And I will try to give you a second chance”
Soon tears were streaming from her eyes. She was choking on her tears. She looked at me and said “ I belive you now know what you did was wrong and it changed the life of many others. Maybe you still don’t know why I am here. Well my mom was also one of the hundreds of people who died in the last bomb blast. But I still want your family not to lose you because I have felt the pain of loss”
This 10 year old girl changed everything for me. This is maybe what people call heaven,a place where you are shown all that you did wrong and still given a second chance>

FOR u left me in HALf>

My eyes suddenly opened. It was dark all around and it took me a moment to know where was I and what was around me. At first it struck me that why there wasn’t the familiarity of my own room where I had spent 23years of my life.

And then as I got adjusted to the darkness of the room and the slight rays of the streetlights casting eerie shadows all over the room and the bed I shared with…oh wait ,I just remembered that I was not alone here. He was sleeping besides me. The sound of his breathing filled my ears and I almost found it equivalent to noise, noise enough to hurt my ears. My hand moved to tuck back a strand of hair and I realised that I was sweating. There were brows of sweat all over my forehead. And then it struck me, that what had woken me up in this peaceful night was a dream. A dream that I had locked and sealed in my heart since the start of this new life. A memory that I thought would have faded by now. But I was wrong. I remember every moment of it. every second ..Every breath ..Every touch..

I shivered. I felt I was drowning, drowning in this sea of memories although I tried my best to stay where I was, I was being sucked into it. I could see his eyes, those jet black eyes staring at me. I could feel those shivers that had rushed through my adolescent body years ago. I could feel his heart beating as it had on those days when he would hug me close. Those hands that would reassure me that he would hold me near forever. STOP..STOP. I was holding back but tears started to fall down. All of a sudden I was missing him,I wanted him near me to hold me again,to hold me near and wipe my tears and say softly”I love u dear and I am here for you.”

YES, he loved me too. But he was my HUSBAND, not the hero of my teenage love story. There was care, I am sure about it. But if one asks me about love ..I wasn’t too sure. Maybe he loved me,, but I needed love in a different way. I wanted him to take me out on dates, and get me flowers and tell me that he loves me. I want him to be a kid with me, to dance around with me, to fool around and maybe just sometimes ‘let loose’. I remembered those walks in the rain holding our hands,I remembered those shy glances and quick kisses…I wanted them all now. I needed them ..I wanted them to be a part of my life..

He woke up and saw me frightened and worried. He sat up and gently shook me and passed me the bottle of water. I drank some of it and tried to control my tears but they just wont stop. I wanted Him here not this man my parents fell in love with. Yes,I was being MEAN,very mean for this man had given me all that I could ask for but I wasn’t whole enough to love him back.i wasn’t in a state to trust him, to care for him and to love him. I wasn’t stroung enough to let love rise through every stream of my blood. For I could never let him go,never could I understand why he broke my heart and yet took away a large chunk of it and never cared to return it back. He had left me incomplete . he had taken off so much that I could never ever think of ….
Why did you come in if you had to go off so soon? And if you had to go,then why did u take so much from me and never ever let me be complete?NO,don’t come back now.for it would only create more havoc for me and my family..yes ,he is now my family…completely,maybe not..but I still will try to LOVE him>

THE SOUL WITHIN

The train screeched and the women screamed and the ‘Boom’ of the explosion echoed all over the city. There was blood and flesh strewn all around. ‘Another successful attempt in destroying god’s creations’. Another take to make people shudder with fear, to show that all that you have to fear is the “war of man against man.”
It has become a common news report not something that makes these brave reporters fear, in fact they are every ready to go out there, to show the blood shed and be in the limelight for a few days period.

For many like you and me it was another of those incidents that let us throw abuses at the state government, the police and of course the creators and masters of such events .We listen to the news, feel sad for that women crying on the roads for her only child, feel empathy at that man who lost his limbs and then as it fades off from the news channel, we slowly forget the impact of it and the destruction it caused. We remember it as a black Friday or 9/11 attack or find some more exciting and tech-savvy term for it.

But for her the story was different .She could not be one of us, who just feels sorry for what had happened and then get so busy with life that it is remembered again only when someone cares to remind us of it. She could not shout abuses at the police, protest and light candles and then completely forget about it. Because for her the ‘incident’ changed her course of life. It was as if her life was on the verge of stand still and it depended only on her , her courage and her ability to overcome all that lay ahead to take her forward. She could give up and say that there was nothing more left in her to carry on. She could sink into the bottomless pit of sorrow and suffering and be an ‘icon’ for sympathy. She could just lose herself in all the hardships and spend endless days crying and pleading god to take her away. But she was not one of those to let all these overpower her. For she knew that in this life god had sent her to accomplish a lot, to live life better and to accept everything as His own doing.

Yes, there were people who stopped by to show their sorrow and support for this young widow and would-be-mother. She did not hate them but she wished to be alone for she had to think a way out of all this. She did not want to spend her life in all the sorrows of life and welcome her child into a depressing world. Instead she wanted her child to see all the joys of life , all the happiness that she could give. She knew that people would have understood or rather accepted if she decided to spend the rest of her days in a pool of tears. She knew that all who came to her, believed her to be a meek ,silent girl who had done everything that the society demanded of her. She was the quite housewife who married young as her parents desired ,thinking that all she had to do now was take care of her partner and run the house. Everyone that came by believed in their heart that she would be in tears all the time but they were in for a shock. Yes ,one could see the sorrows deep embedded in her eyes but she did welcome everyone properly, answered every question to the dozens of reporters who came by and let everyone know that she had future plans for her child and for herself. The aura of courage and strength could be felt all around her. The time she got alone,she tried to think of what she could do, but then very soon someone would stop by and wake her from her thoughts.

As such she could not do much for a month or so. By then she realized that it was high time for her to think and find a way out of all these for her child would be coming soon into this planet. She looked up at her limited options and more than that ,her resources and went into thoughts of what she could and could not do. With a simple B.A. degree her options were limited but she paid more interest to what was possible than to what was not. She knew she was good with kids and she knew that she had all the qualities to become a caring mother for many. She also knew that this would be that last time when she felt a child gently kick in her stomach. With the ample amount of love locked in her and the enthusiasm to lead her life into a new path,she took a step towards the play school situated in the neighbourhood. Yes ,she did get the job for the school authorities were ever ready to show their sympathy to her, but she knew and she believed that this sympathy would soon turn into admiration.

On the first day,she wore a light pink sari, one that he had got for her on their first anniversary. She knew that the strong binds of society wanted her to throw all the colours out of her life, but she wasn’t ready to start her new life with a plain white sari. She knew her grandmother would frown if she knew about it, but there was something inside her that made her stronger and braver to challenge these old customs.
Yes, she was scared as she first entered her class, scared that the kids might not like this new teacher, scared that they would not accept her as part of their class.she could feel her heart beating loud and she also feel another soul breathing with her. She closed her eyes and felt her baby wishing her luck and she walked into the class with confidence and a sweet, kind smile for she was there to love these kids more and more and let them learn with love not with lessons. And as she started her lessons she realised that all the courage that bought her here, and all the strength that she got was because a part of him was still alive within her.

WAIT A AWHILE....

It hurts to push u far
Pains to cause u pain…

Difficult to let u go..
Drives me crazy

Hurts when I see u turn around…
Hate to leave u and go…

But therez sum space I need…
A little cocoon for my needs..

A little world of mine…
A Little shrine…

Where I understand myself…
Where I fix my goals…

For life means a lot more
And I want them all

There a limit to what I can give…
And a limit to all that I endured

Don’t ever want u to feel…
The pain that makes blood..

Don’t want u to see
The feelings I endured.

Hide is what I try…
But u understand me a bit too much…

I love u more than u think…
Leave u is something beyond…

For life is incomplete…
Without you beside…

All I can ask…
Is for a little patience…

For I know love too strong..
To let me stay far for long…

Wait a while…
While I fix my life…

wait a awhile...
For i will spring back...

Just stay by my side…
And I wish no more…

a story...of loving and losin....

this is my story…my story of how I loved ,,loved n lost…in this big bad world…
Oh,bad world,naah that quite opposite to what I thought about life n this world when I first met him, the time when his presence in my life completed the void that I always felt..or rather he showed me what life was and what I had missed so far..it was like he was d star the brought light in my life.He was like a god-sent-angel to brighten my life.
Well,life wasnot that bad before he came in.i lived the life of an average Indian girl,going to college,having a little fun with friends,laughing,smiling,playing around.basically the same average life all of us lead.i was happy,content with all that I had..content with my loving parents..or rather should I say my protective Indian parents for whom words like “boyfriend,outings,fun,party” were taboo.but yet I had nothing to complain about..i admit my life wasn’t that fast paced city life,yet I was fine with .content and happy…

Everyday was d same till d day,the day he entered my life.it was like a new dawn,a new beginning,as we started our journey together,holding each other close n promising never to let go.i never realized how this friend became such a close part of my life that I needed him at all times.i never thought before it was possible to make this one person the centre of your life.like everything was just for him ..like everything was ultimately related to whether he was happy or not.

I never ever mattered to me how he looked or how he dressed.all that mattered was how he talked,how he brought a smile on my lips,how he knew me n how he was always there for me.and before I even realised I was in love.he had become my necessity ,my need without whom my day didn’t begin,without whom my heart would just stop beating.i somehow felt that he too had something for me ,but with guys you can never be so sure..and somehow I was scared to think about it much,for I feared to lose,to let him out of my life.

It was not my concern if he ever got me gifts,nor was I interested in all those materialistics things that guys do to impress their gals,but deep down I needed him,I needed him to be close,close enough to hear my heart beat for him.

Maybe I should thank my stars ,for I didn’t have to wait long before,he expressed a similar need to be with me ,promising me to be my constant support,my strength throughout my life,in short my soulmate…
My joy had no bounds,my heart was screaming with joy..i was in love and I was overjoyed by the future I saw ,that lay in front of me,the future that he and I planned,the dreams that we saw.it was like god had given me a ‘free pass’ to heaven.i was flying,I wasnot in this world.i was feeling what all girls in love feel,,ECSTASY…

He became my life.my day started with my phone beeping with his goodmorning message,my day ended with the low voiced late night conversation,when therez always the fear of my parents over-hearing.i wasnot living in this world,I was somewhere else,somewhere so far off from this cruel earth that nothing except us mattered .it was like a dreamland,where life was soo soo sweet that there was no place for any thing sad and sorrowful.it was like we had created our own world,pure and untouched by the sorrows of EARTH.a world where we lived as we wish to ,happy and so very content with each others love.

Yes,there were times when we fought,when we cried ,when we felt the influence of the big bad world upon our small universe,but those moments were not worthy of being memeries,memories that I still hold so close to my heart.

Memories were those like the ones that I still think about,like the time he first held my hand,his lips touched mine,the heat of his body as he held me in his arms,the gentle touch of his hands as he cupped my face in his hands..the gentle kisses,the urgent need to be with each other,to hold each other as close as one could.memories were those….

But life now has changed,changed so much that never ever will I be able to feel his lips on mine,never ever would he hold me near and remove all my fears,never ever would he hug me close and assure me that everything would be fine,never ever…
It so hard to belive,so hard to imagine life,life without the one I love,the one for whom I had lived the last two years of my life,the love for whom I had done everything possible.Atleast that was what I thought…but he didn’t.or why else would he have left me half way,when he had promised to be with me throught our lives,promised to save me from this big bad world,,forever.

I still wonder,wonder where I went so wrong,that half way through and I m all alone.i wonder what was my mistake that made me look so wrong in his eyes that he left me for ever.i think was it how I looked,was it how I talked,was it my childish nature,or was it sumthing else,that made me unworthy of him.what was it that made him go?what was it that resulted in me being so lonely now.?

Or maybe it wasn’t any fault of mine.maybe he was the one to blame,maybe he didn’t deserve what I had to give,he was too happy ,too content in life to ask for me,maybe he never felt my need,maybe u never loved me the way I did.
Where did I go wrong?where was my mistake?i still think ,I still wonder..and I know I would always think ,always wonder..for I would never ever find any answer.maybe I should go ask him,maybe I should go question him for all that he promised,for all those memories he left me with..yes , I will,I will ask him…but ony when I meet him…when I go to where he stays now,to where he has build his own world now,yes I will.. ..in HEAVEN…

Note:read the last line again…

Dreams they say are mirrors of the mind. Dreams are thought to be the portrayal of what one feels and what one desires. Dreams are supposed to show ones inner desires, ones need and basically what one wants in life.
While there are people who contradict this and say, that dreams don’t hold any meaning. It is basically a glimpse of what one thinks just before one dozes off to sleep.
But what about those dreams that come more than often, the ones that u have seen many times and you can recollect every bit of it? What about those dreams that u see without sleeping, that which u strongly feel is what the future holds for you.

I don’t often dream, or rather I should say I usually forget what I dream about, but therez this one particular dream that I often see, one dream that I really hold close to my heart, one dream that I feel will be a part of reality some years down the line.

I often see this dream, although I have never thought about myself as a homely girl, a girl born and brought up to be sent to her in-laws,I have never felt the need of marrying. I have never understood the concept of ARRANGING who u r destined to be with. I have never felt the requirement of a man in every womens life to protect her from this big,bad world. Thatz why I often question myself as to why I see this dream and what is meant by it. Is this all that I want from life? Is the completion of this dream my ultimate solace? Is just this the completion of my aim ,my destiny on this earth.

I don’t have any answers to these,but I really want to share this dream.
I see myself,in a sari(wow,the elegant garment)….a simple one,not like the ones you see on screen.but a real simple one like every other mother wears.It is pleated nicely,neatly like I have practised the art of wearing this 5 and half meter long dreass.My hair is wet,not from rain but from the refreshing bath I just took.Small water droplets are sliding down my back,giving me a strange sensation.the sunlight reflect and refracts on some of these droplets,giving an eerie light to my jet black hair.i am standing in front of a mirror,a long full view one,and I am staring at myself.yes,I have changed,I see myself in a complete new AVTAR…and the most amazing thing ..is that my hair is parted in the middle,and the bright colour of vermillon,bringing a shine to my face.yes,I look like one of those newly married ,where the vermillon is just a bit in excess,potraying my new stand on this new life.
My face is bare,without the kilos of make up,that is customary of the wedding day..my eyes have a hint of kajal,and my lips are bare,but pink.My cheeks are clean,but the slight blush of new life and new love makes it brighter.Theres a sparkle in my eyes,a brightness in my face,that implies my joy,my satisfaction and my eagerness to start a new life.I can se the excitement in my eyes as I stand on the threshold of a promising future.The sun rays fall on me from the nearby window,and I look RADiating in its light.There is a slight smile on my lips,as I stand there,admiring myself,my radiance and my joy.

I see my man, although I cant make out who and where he is now.i see him as I want him to be, I see his deep brown eyes, admiring his lady from a distance, I see his joy at finding the right girl, I see his pride as he gazes at his bride. He comes over. and I can see his strides in the mirror as he makes his way across the room to his lady luck. He stands behind me and holds my waist from ,and just ,looks at me intently at the mirror. His strong arms wrapped around my waist, his brown eyes, slightly moist, his chin resting on my shoulders and his sincerity as he hold me closer. He holds me like he will never let me go, he holds me like I m his only hope, he holds me like he will always support me and like I m the princess of his world. he makes me feel loved, as if I m the only one who matters to him, as if I rule his world.
He holds me near like he needs me, like he is incomplete without me, like I m his ray of joy. He holds me gently yet firm enough for me to understand his love and his caring side.
I don’t know why I never dream about my wedding day,the day when I am the show stopper,when all lights focus on me,when all that I do and say becomes news.i have never ever dreamt of this very special day in any girls life,I have never seen myself in the sparks of the wedding lamps,the noise of the incessant chatter.i have never dreamt about this day when every other person whispers about how good I look,and how I walk like a proud princess.the princess of the day.

All that I dream of is,the neat pleats of my sari,the deep brown eyes of my life partner,the staring,surprised look on my face as I gaze into the mirror trying my best to know what lays in the future..all I see is the love in his eyes,the joy sparkling in my face and the promises that we both hold in our heart to be with eact other,together and forever.

Maybe for me what matters most is what life has to offer me after I cross the hurdle of marriage,maybe for me d-day is not as important as the d –days after it.maybe what I desire is more happiness from my life partner than the wedding bells.Maybe I m waiting for u to take me in your arms and show me what life holds for me.