FOR u left me in HALf>

My eyes suddenly opened. It was dark all around and it took me a moment to know where was I and what was around me. At first it struck me that why there wasn’t the familiarity of my own room where I had spent 23years of my life.

And then as I got adjusted to the darkness of the room and the slight rays of the streetlights casting eerie shadows all over the room and the bed I shared with…oh wait ,I just remembered that I was not alone here. He was sleeping besides me. The sound of his breathing filled my ears and I almost found it equivalent to noise, noise enough to hurt my ears. My hand moved to tuck back a strand of hair and I realised that I was sweating. There were brows of sweat all over my forehead. And then it struck me, that what had woken me up in this peaceful night was a dream. A dream that I had locked and sealed in my heart since the start of this new life. A memory that I thought would have faded by now. But I was wrong. I remember every moment of it. every second ..Every breath ..Every touch..

I shivered. I felt I was drowning, drowning in this sea of memories although I tried my best to stay where I was, I was being sucked into it. I could see his eyes, those jet black eyes staring at me. I could feel those shivers that had rushed through my adolescent body years ago. I could feel his heart beating as it had on those days when he would hug me close. Those hands that would reassure me that he would hold me near forever. STOP..STOP. I was holding back but tears started to fall down. All of a sudden I was missing him,I wanted him near me to hold me again,to hold me near and wipe my tears and say softly”I love u dear and I am here for you.”

YES, he loved me too. But he was my HUSBAND, not the hero of my teenage love story. There was care, I am sure about it. But if one asks me about love ..I wasn’t too sure. Maybe he loved me,, but I needed love in a different way. I wanted him to take me out on dates, and get me flowers and tell me that he loves me. I want him to be a kid with me, to dance around with me, to fool around and maybe just sometimes ‘let loose’. I remembered those walks in the rain holding our hands,I remembered those shy glances and quick kisses…I wanted them all now. I needed them ..I wanted them to be a part of my life..

He woke up and saw me frightened and worried. He sat up and gently shook me and passed me the bottle of water. I drank some of it and tried to control my tears but they just wont stop. I wanted Him here not this man my parents fell in love with. Yes,I was being MEAN,very mean for this man had given me all that I could ask for but I wasn’t whole enough to love him back.i wasn’t in a state to trust him, to care for him and to love him. I wasn’t stroung enough to let love rise through every stream of my blood. For I could never let him go,never could I understand why he broke my heart and yet took away a large chunk of it and never cared to return it back. He had left me incomplete . he had taken off so much that I could never ever think of ….
Why did you come in if you had to go off so soon? And if you had to go,then why did u take so much from me and never ever let me be complete?NO,don’t come back now.for it would only create more havoc for me and my family..yes ,he is now my family…completely,maybe not..but I still will try to LOVE him>

THE SOUL WITHIN

The train screeched and the women screamed and the ‘Boom’ of the explosion echoed all over the city. There was blood and flesh strewn all around. ‘Another successful attempt in destroying god’s creations’. Another take to make people shudder with fear, to show that all that you have to fear is the “war of man against man.”
It has become a common news report not something that makes these brave reporters fear, in fact they are every ready to go out there, to show the blood shed and be in the limelight for a few days period.

For many like you and me it was another of those incidents that let us throw abuses at the state government, the police and of course the creators and masters of such events .We listen to the news, feel sad for that women crying on the roads for her only child, feel empathy at that man who lost his limbs and then as it fades off from the news channel, we slowly forget the impact of it and the destruction it caused. We remember it as a black Friday or 9/11 attack or find some more exciting and tech-savvy term for it.

But for her the story was different .She could not be one of us, who just feels sorry for what had happened and then get so busy with life that it is remembered again only when someone cares to remind us of it. She could not shout abuses at the police, protest and light candles and then completely forget about it. Because for her the ‘incident’ changed her course of life. It was as if her life was on the verge of stand still and it depended only on her , her courage and her ability to overcome all that lay ahead to take her forward. She could give up and say that there was nothing more left in her to carry on. She could sink into the bottomless pit of sorrow and suffering and be an ‘icon’ for sympathy. She could just lose herself in all the hardships and spend endless days crying and pleading god to take her away. But she was not one of those to let all these overpower her. For she knew that in this life god had sent her to accomplish a lot, to live life better and to accept everything as His own doing.

Yes, there were people who stopped by to show their sorrow and support for this young widow and would-be-mother. She did not hate them but she wished to be alone for she had to think a way out of all this. She did not want to spend her life in all the sorrows of life and welcome her child into a depressing world. Instead she wanted her child to see all the joys of life , all the happiness that she could give. She knew that people would have understood or rather accepted if she decided to spend the rest of her days in a pool of tears. She knew that all who came to her, believed her to be a meek ,silent girl who had done everything that the society demanded of her. She was the quite housewife who married young as her parents desired ,thinking that all she had to do now was take care of her partner and run the house. Everyone that came by believed in their heart that she would be in tears all the time but they were in for a shock. Yes ,one could see the sorrows deep embedded in her eyes but she did welcome everyone properly, answered every question to the dozens of reporters who came by and let everyone know that she had future plans for her child and for herself. The aura of courage and strength could be felt all around her. The time she got alone,she tried to think of what she could do, but then very soon someone would stop by and wake her from her thoughts.

As such she could not do much for a month or so. By then she realized that it was high time for her to think and find a way out of all these for her child would be coming soon into this planet. She looked up at her limited options and more than that ,her resources and went into thoughts of what she could and could not do. With a simple B.A. degree her options were limited but she paid more interest to what was possible than to what was not. She knew she was good with kids and she knew that she had all the qualities to become a caring mother for many. She also knew that this would be that last time when she felt a child gently kick in her stomach. With the ample amount of love locked in her and the enthusiasm to lead her life into a new path,she took a step towards the play school situated in the neighbourhood. Yes ,she did get the job for the school authorities were ever ready to show their sympathy to her, but she knew and she believed that this sympathy would soon turn into admiration.

On the first day,she wore a light pink sari, one that he had got for her on their first anniversary. She knew that the strong binds of society wanted her to throw all the colours out of her life, but she wasn’t ready to start her new life with a plain white sari. She knew her grandmother would frown if she knew about it, but there was something inside her that made her stronger and braver to challenge these old customs.
Yes, she was scared as she first entered her class, scared that the kids might not like this new teacher, scared that they would not accept her as part of their class.she could feel her heart beating loud and she also feel another soul breathing with her. She closed her eyes and felt her baby wishing her luck and she walked into the class with confidence and a sweet, kind smile for she was there to love these kids more and more and let them learn with love not with lessons. And as she started her lessons she realised that all the courage that bought her here, and all the strength that she got was because a part of him was still alive within her.

WAIT A AWHILE....

It hurts to push u far
Pains to cause u pain…

Difficult to let u go..
Drives me crazy

Hurts when I see u turn around…
Hate to leave u and go…

But therez sum space I need…
A little cocoon for my needs..

A little world of mine…
A Little shrine…

Where I understand myself…
Where I fix my goals…

For life means a lot more
And I want them all

There a limit to what I can give…
And a limit to all that I endured

Don’t ever want u to feel…
The pain that makes blood..

Don’t want u to see
The feelings I endured.

Hide is what I try…
But u understand me a bit too much…

I love u more than u think…
Leave u is something beyond…

For life is incomplete…
Without you beside…

All I can ask…
Is for a little patience…

For I know love too strong..
To let me stay far for long…

Wait a while…
While I fix my life…

wait a awhile...
For i will spring back...

Just stay by my side…
And I wish no more…