a story...of loving and losin....

this is my story…my story of how I loved ,,loved n lost…in this big bad world…
Oh,bad world,naah that quite opposite to what I thought about life n this world when I first met him, the time when his presence in my life completed the void that I always felt..or rather he showed me what life was and what I had missed so far..it was like he was d star the brought light in my life.He was like a god-sent-angel to brighten my life.
Well,life wasnot that bad before he came in.i lived the life of an average Indian girl,going to college,having a little fun with friends,laughing,smiling,playing around.basically the same average life all of us lead.i was happy,content with all that I had..content with my loving parents..or rather should I say my protective Indian parents for whom words like “boyfriend,outings,fun,party” were taboo.but yet I had nothing to complain about..i admit my life wasn’t that fast paced city life,yet I was fine with .content and happy…

Everyday was d same till d day,the day he entered my life.it was like a new dawn,a new beginning,as we started our journey together,holding each other close n promising never to let go.i never realized how this friend became such a close part of my life that I needed him at all times.i never thought before it was possible to make this one person the centre of your life.like everything was just for him ..like everything was ultimately related to whether he was happy or not.

I never ever mattered to me how he looked or how he dressed.all that mattered was how he talked,how he brought a smile on my lips,how he knew me n how he was always there for me.and before I even realised I was in love.he had become my necessity ,my need without whom my day didn’t begin,without whom my heart would just stop beating.i somehow felt that he too had something for me ,but with guys you can never be so sure..and somehow I was scared to think about it much,for I feared to lose,to let him out of my life.

It was not my concern if he ever got me gifts,nor was I interested in all those materialistics things that guys do to impress their gals,but deep down I needed him,I needed him to be close,close enough to hear my heart beat for him.

Maybe I should thank my stars ,for I didn’t have to wait long before,he expressed a similar need to be with me ,promising me to be my constant support,my strength throughout my life,in short my soulmate…
My joy had no bounds,my heart was screaming with joy..i was in love and I was overjoyed by the future I saw ,that lay in front of me,the future that he and I planned,the dreams that we saw.it was like god had given me a ‘free pass’ to heaven.i was flying,I wasnot in this world.i was feeling what all girls in love feel,,ECSTASY…

He became my life.my day started with my phone beeping with his goodmorning message,my day ended with the low voiced late night conversation,when therez always the fear of my parents over-hearing.i wasnot living in this world,I was somewhere else,somewhere so far off from this cruel earth that nothing except us mattered .it was like a dreamland,where life was soo soo sweet that there was no place for any thing sad and sorrowful.it was like we had created our own world,pure and untouched by the sorrows of EARTH.a world where we lived as we wish to ,happy and so very content with each others love.

Yes,there were times when we fought,when we cried ,when we felt the influence of the big bad world upon our small universe,but those moments were not worthy of being memeries,memories that I still hold so close to my heart.

Memories were those like the ones that I still think about,like the time he first held my hand,his lips touched mine,the heat of his body as he held me in his arms,the gentle touch of his hands as he cupped my face in his hands..the gentle kisses,the urgent need to be with each other,to hold each other as close as one could.memories were those….

But life now has changed,changed so much that never ever will I be able to feel his lips on mine,never ever would he hold me near and remove all my fears,never ever would he hug me close and assure me that everything would be fine,never ever…
It so hard to belive,so hard to imagine life,life without the one I love,the one for whom I had lived the last two years of my life,the love for whom I had done everything possible.Atleast that was what I thought…but he didn’t.or why else would he have left me half way,when he had promised to be with me throught our lives,promised to save me from this big bad world,,forever.

I still wonder,wonder where I went so wrong,that half way through and I m all alone.i wonder what was my mistake that made me look so wrong in his eyes that he left me for ever.i think was it how I looked,was it how I talked,was it my childish nature,or was it sumthing else,that made me unworthy of him.what was it that made him go?what was it that resulted in me being so lonely now.?

Or maybe it wasn’t any fault of mine.maybe he was the one to blame,maybe he didn’t deserve what I had to give,he was too happy ,too content in life to ask for me,maybe he never felt my need,maybe u never loved me the way I did.
Where did I go wrong?where was my mistake?i still think ,I still wonder..and I know I would always think ,always wonder..for I would never ever find any answer.maybe I should go ask him,maybe I should go question him for all that he promised,for all those memories he left me with..yes , I will,I will ask him…but ony when I meet him…when I go to where he stays now,to where he has build his own world now,yes I will.. ..in HEAVEN…

Note:read the last line again…

Dreams they say are mirrors of the mind. Dreams are thought to be the portrayal of what one feels and what one desires. Dreams are supposed to show ones inner desires, ones need and basically what one wants in life.
While there are people who contradict this and say, that dreams don’t hold any meaning. It is basically a glimpse of what one thinks just before one dozes off to sleep.
But what about those dreams that come more than often, the ones that u have seen many times and you can recollect every bit of it? What about those dreams that u see without sleeping, that which u strongly feel is what the future holds for you.

I don’t often dream, or rather I should say I usually forget what I dream about, but therez this one particular dream that I often see, one dream that I really hold close to my heart, one dream that I feel will be a part of reality some years down the line.

I often see this dream, although I have never thought about myself as a homely girl, a girl born and brought up to be sent to her in-laws,I have never felt the need of marrying. I have never understood the concept of ARRANGING who u r destined to be with. I have never felt the requirement of a man in every womens life to protect her from this big,bad world. Thatz why I often question myself as to why I see this dream and what is meant by it. Is this all that I want from life? Is the completion of this dream my ultimate solace? Is just this the completion of my aim ,my destiny on this earth.

I don’t have any answers to these,but I really want to share this dream.
I see myself,in a sari(wow,the elegant garment)….a simple one,not like the ones you see on screen.but a real simple one like every other mother wears.It is pleated nicely,neatly like I have practised the art of wearing this 5 and half meter long dreass.My hair is wet,not from rain but from the refreshing bath I just took.Small water droplets are sliding down my back,giving me a strange sensation.the sunlight reflect and refracts on some of these droplets,giving an eerie light to my jet black hair.i am standing in front of a mirror,a long full view one,and I am staring at myself.yes,I have changed,I see myself in a complete new AVTAR…and the most amazing thing ..is that my hair is parted in the middle,and the bright colour of vermillon,bringing a shine to my face.yes,I look like one of those newly married ,where the vermillon is just a bit in excess,potraying my new stand on this new life.
My face is bare,without the kilos of make up,that is customary of the wedding day..my eyes have a hint of kajal,and my lips are bare,but pink.My cheeks are clean,but the slight blush of new life and new love makes it brighter.Theres a sparkle in my eyes,a brightness in my face,that implies my joy,my satisfaction and my eagerness to start a new life.I can se the excitement in my eyes as I stand on the threshold of a promising future.The sun rays fall on me from the nearby window,and I look RADiating in its light.There is a slight smile on my lips,as I stand there,admiring myself,my radiance and my joy.

I see my man, although I cant make out who and where he is now.i see him as I want him to be, I see his deep brown eyes, admiring his lady from a distance, I see his joy at finding the right girl, I see his pride as he gazes at his bride. He comes over. and I can see his strides in the mirror as he makes his way across the room to his lady luck. He stands behind me and holds my waist from ,and just ,looks at me intently at the mirror. His strong arms wrapped around my waist, his brown eyes, slightly moist, his chin resting on my shoulders and his sincerity as he hold me closer. He holds me like he will never let me go, he holds me like I m his only hope, he holds me like he will always support me and like I m the princess of his world. he makes me feel loved, as if I m the only one who matters to him, as if I rule his world.
He holds me near like he needs me, like he is incomplete without me, like I m his ray of joy. He holds me gently yet firm enough for me to understand his love and his caring side.
I don’t know why I never dream about my wedding day,the day when I am the show stopper,when all lights focus on me,when all that I do and say becomes news.i have never ever dreamt of this very special day in any girls life,I have never seen myself in the sparks of the wedding lamps,the noise of the incessant chatter.i have never dreamt about this day when every other person whispers about how good I look,and how I walk like a proud princess.the princess of the day.

All that I dream of is,the neat pleats of my sari,the deep brown eyes of my life partner,the staring,surprised look on my face as I gaze into the mirror trying my best to know what lays in the future..all I see is the love in his eyes,the joy sparkling in my face and the promises that we both hold in our heart to be with eact other,together and forever.

Maybe for me what matters most is what life has to offer me after I cross the hurdle of marriage,maybe for me d-day is not as important as the d –days after it.maybe what I desire is more happiness from my life partner than the wedding bells.Maybe I m waiting for u to take me in your arms and show me what life holds for me.

I need YOU....

Life is bleak,so bland..
Void without you.

Ur presence lites it like
Bright stars in the sky,.

Ur love makes it bright,
Worthy of the paining sides.

Ur eyes makes me see a world
That I have never seen before

You make me see the world
Sweet and filled with joy.

Your presence makes it
Worthy to trod..

And then u act
Like the storyz over..

Like life has given
All it has to offer,.


Like flowers have bloomed n withered..
Our story is all over..

You feel u caused me pain..
U feel u have never been right…

U feel d need to let me go,
For a joyous tomorrow..

Don’t u ever see,
That u r ONLY JOY to me.

The little pain I endure,
Is negligible,compared

Don’t u ever see,that pain
Is not what it is.

Don’t u ever see
That itz YOU I really need…

Have u never seen,,
The joy when I see u…


Have u never felt..
The love I have for u…

Have u never noticed…
How your words lit up my sky..

Haven’t u yet realised…
LOVE is all I need…

I think I know,
Love is all u have…

But then never u show,,
That theres love there…

Make me feel Special..
Give me LITTLE love…

Make my day with a kiss,
Love me for me…

Don’t u ever see that
Little love lites me…

Don’t u ever feel…
That TIME is all I need.

Have u never understood…
What I really need…

Havent u seen..
That I m still waiting..

Waiting for a little love,,
Little joy in OUR world…

Then why cant I get,..
Ur arms around me…

When I ask for u..
M i asking MORE…

When I need ur love…
Is it more...?

Little love is all I need,,,little joy in my world…
When will u see it..when will I feel u near?????

.........DELETE....

My childhood was like a Flash.A flash that came and went and I never realised,a flash that went off so fast,that I still yearn for it.I can say my life was a flash,for every single day that I live now,I wish for it to end fast,to be like the flash of my child hood,to run away fast.But it never happens,each and every day still has the long 24 hours,the long hours of struggle,the long hours of awiting a new dawn,a new beginning so that I can start anew,fresh like the dew in the morning.

Technology has advanced so fast,made the world smaller,distances shorter,but has yet not been able to comprehend man’s sorrow,his pain and just close the Pandora box to bring forward a time of joy.Computers are advancing and yet scientists in millions are still working to make it better.But what we actually need here is application of computer technology to reduce man’s suffering, and herald in a an era of mental peace.
What I always felt necessary was the need of the DELETE button in human psychology.I want the ability to delete any memory that brings with itself the pain of losing,the tears reminding of the good times,the hope of getting it all back again.Life would have been so much easier with the ‘delete’ button.Everything would have been simpler and most importantly there would not be any salty tears flowing out of your eyes.The tears would simply lie locked and unused,or better still applied to the cause of “save water save earth.”
When using the computer have u ever realised the usefulness of the delete button?Have you ever paid any importance to the amazing work that it does for us?Have you ever tried to feel how Life will be so much easier with that small button fixed in our human brain?
Life would be so great.You do what u have to do and u accept all that u want to in return and if u jst don’t get it,jst delete all that u did and all that u accepted.There would be no tears,no heartbreaks.Even if ur loved ones live u alone in this big bad world,after all those promises of a life together,,just do the simple act of Deleting him/her from ur system and lo behold,hez gone and u can start ur hunt for ur perfect man all over again.WOW.god should have thought about,or rather we should now make him aware of it.Mail him and tell him about this USEFUL option that he forgot to include,but our ever smart humans,knowing fully well about the infinite number of mistakes we can make,incorporated this delete option.
But ,then there is a negative side to the ever useful delete option too..deleting would really help the person in need of it,but it would really throw out all d drama from all our lives.The drama we witness as a heart breaks,the heart cracks and the eyes that stream with the ever glistening tears.There wont be any consoling,there wont be any hurt,pain to share with someone,there wont be the joy of comforting your friend nor the togetherness of crying at and with your loved ones. But this lose of joy is a tiny fraction if compared to the loss of pain that this new revolution of delete option would bring into our lives.

Another option that would really help mankind is the new option.in the same way as u open a new word document,u can open a new chapter in your life,a new clean beginning,leaving behind all the mistakes of the past.life would have been so much simpler.u just open a new life when u r bored of your existing one,when the burden of ur sorrows mount and using the delete option would be cumbersome,just open a new chapter…wow..amazing isn’t it?god should be sent to sum technology institute here on earth,to learn all about these.i belive IIT,would be a good choice for Him ,for he would also learn a lot more than all these options.OR MAYEB BETTER STILL,WE CAN WAIT FOR HIM IN BIT,MESRA…..

a wound...

I still think.
Of those moments half lived..
Joyous ,yet painful..

I claim to hate
But sumwhere deep,u still exist
Hauting me,painful memories..

U never knew..how much I loved..
Never see how much u lost

But I cnt-never can..
Give u another chance..
And break me beyond..

U were never worthy of what u got…
I never asked…
For d pain u bestowed..

Your presence still lites…
Yet I hate u more…
Dnt know..wht near..

Why did ever-such a betrayal
So much hurt…
Dat evn tears dnt stream nemore…

Why do I still feel,when u broke …
Me bad,,,why do I still think…
What if…we were us and not u n me…

Those moments I wanna relive…
Time,I wish I could turn
N change,,all dat still pains…

Why cant I let u go…
Why cant u leave me alone…
It pains,it hurts,,,
Let me breath again….

thinkin...

Even if u don’t talk..
Even if u stay afar..
Am unable to reach..
Distances r too far…

I know for sure,my heart
Beats for u every while…
I know u need me in a way
That I can never understand…

I know u..
That dreams in ur eyes say it all…
Sweeter than sweet memories..
I can live with them all..

Even if I go astray
I know u will b near..
Filling my life..
Weaves of joy and happiness…

You r my star,my life
Although I don’t say it aloud
You r my dream,my strength..
You r the dearest of all..

a little thought...

When ur hands hold me tight,..
I feel I can face life…
Any way as it may come..
U r there all along…

When I lie in ur arms …
Carefree like a child…
Sleep like a baby…
Coz pain is so afar…

When i see into ur eyes…
D brown shining stars…
I see the truth..
I see ur love all true…

When u hold me close…
As ur heart beating goes…
I feel so loved..
Protected under ur soul…


U put a smile in my eyes…
Sorrows driven afar…
U fill life with love..
Enough to live a thousand lives…

Playing with my hair..
As you look into my eyes..
I know itz gonna last..
Longer than thoughts might…

When u act like a kid…
Fighting with all ur wit…
U make d sun shine…
U make d world mine…

As u explain what to do…
Act like a man…
I realize lifez worth..
Only with d man…

When u take my hands..to ur eyes…
I realize d speciality lies…
In all that u love…
Loving true with all ur might…

You are all mine…
Our hearts interwined…
Love so strong…
Lovez everlasting bond…

When u hold me…
Strenght is all I feel..
Strength to face d world…
Love is all dat could be…

My heart beats for u…
Eyes search u around…
All I could ever need..
Is you by my side…

When u smile…
D sun shines…
D world seems so nice..
With u by my side…

A hand to hold on
A guiding soul…
A loving touch…
All I could ever hold…

U r more than I could ask for…
U r d light in my life…
baby u rock…
3-dz there always by ur side…

LOVE u LOADZ …….